1
00:00:22,530 --> 00:00:30,019
Good evening, it's wonderful to be back
with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?

2
00:00:30,020 --> 00:00:33,279
Indeed it is, and in a packed programme
tonight, we shall be talking to the

3
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:36,739
landlord of the Whippet Whiskers in
Ongar, who tells us that he found a way

4
00:00:36,740 --> 00:00:39,990
round the bylaw which forbids him to
have singing and dancing as

5
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:41,460
He's booked Lionel Blair.

6
00:00:43,420 --> 00:00:48,299
And we'll be hearing about Glenda
Pickup, who spends so much time in the

7
00:00:48,300 --> 00:00:51,800
cars, the AA are to start showing her on
the route maps.

8
00:00:55,660 --> 00:00:59,959
But first the news. Mr. George Nerdle,
Britain's oldest muck spreader, 100

9
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,670
old today, has declined to meet Her
Majesty the Queen.

10
00:01:02,740 --> 00:01:06,290
He said, I'd love to, but I've got much
too much on my hands at the moment.

11
00:01:07,980 --> 00:01:13,639
A government directive issued today
orders civil servants not to look out of

12
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:14,820
windows before lunch.

13
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:17,950
This is so they'll have something to do
in the afternoon.

14
00:01:17,951 --> 00:01:23,389
There was panic this evening at the
Moulin Rouge when lights failed and a

15
00:01:23,390 --> 00:01:26,280
stuck between two floors, trapping ten
topless dancers.

16
00:01:26,370 --> 00:01:31,529
Fortunately, lift attendant Jules Grimpe
found the emergency button on his 21st

17
00:01:31,530 --> 00:01:32,580
attempt.

18
00:01:34,390 --> 00:01:39,869
Going to the absence of his official car
today, the Minister of Health went on a

19
00:01:39,870 --> 00:01:44,129
walkabout. Going to the absence of his
wife, the Minister of Fisheries went on

20
00:01:44,130 --> 00:01:48,119
gadabout. And owing to the complete
absence of toilets, the Minister of

21
00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:49,170
went on a roundabout.

22
00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:58,059
Finally, there's news today of a big
gusher in the North Sea. Barbara

23
00:01:58,060 --> 00:01:59,110
visiting an oil rig.

24
00:02:01,060 --> 00:02:05,619
And now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Barker playing a man who adopts an

25
00:02:05,620 --> 00:02:10,359
alternative lifestyle, practices
alternative medicine, and joins the

26
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,560
Society. All to get a bit of the other.

27
00:02:33,090 --> 00:02:34,830
Oh, hello, Roger.

28
00:02:35,250 --> 00:02:39,169
I say, hold it down, folks. Hold it
down. I'd like you all to meet Roger,

29
00:02:39,170 --> 00:02:40,550
just moved into the village.

30
00:02:40,630 --> 00:02:46,590
There are three chairs for Roger.

31
00:02:48,310 --> 00:02:49,530
Oh, very nice.

32
00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:52,130
Well, I must say, this is...

33
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:53,530
Bit of a surprise.

34
00:02:53,531 --> 00:02:57,339
Surprise? In what way, Roger? Well, the
fellow who told me was obviously talking

35
00:02:57,340 --> 00:03:01,319
through his hat. But, I mean, before I
moved here to Nether Edgeley, I was told

36
00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:04,479
that you were all, well, it's awful to
say, but you were all, you know, a bit

37
00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:10,559
clannish. He said to me that you were
very unfriendly to

38
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:11,610
newcomers.

39
00:03:12,340 --> 00:03:15,100
Unfriendly to newcomers? It's like a
cigar, Roger.

40
00:03:15,940 --> 00:03:18,740
A dream. Can I borrow my car for the
weekend?

41
00:03:19,060 --> 00:03:20,110
Or my wife.

42
00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:26,360
Obviously, we are not. We're not
unfriendly to newcomers.

43
00:03:26,361 --> 00:03:30,089
Right, now, let's settle down. Less
frivolity, ladies and gentlemen. Let's

44
00:03:30,090 --> 00:03:34,070
settle down and discuss the very serious
subject of this year's Village Fact.

45
00:03:34,071 --> 00:03:38,049
All right, now, I've made a little list,
as usual, but for God's sake, if anyone

46
00:03:38,050 --> 00:03:41,149
objects to anything I've asked them to
do, please shout out, won't you,

47
00:03:41,150 --> 00:03:45,609
away, and we can change it. Now, first
of all, Henry, Lucky Dip. All right,

48
00:03:45,610 --> 00:03:46,870
Henry? Oh, fine by me. Good.

49
00:03:47,070 --> 00:03:48,450
Daphne, Bring and Buy Store.

50
00:03:48,550 --> 00:03:49,600
Yes.

51
00:03:49,690 --> 00:03:52,040
Claude, Secondhand Bookstore. Yes, of
course.

52
00:03:52,041 --> 00:03:56,009
Marjorie? Homemade preserves, dear.
That's it. Ben, I thought white elephant

53
00:03:56,010 --> 00:03:57,029
stall this time.

54
00:03:57,030 --> 00:04:00,690
All right. Oh, Marion, bric -a -brac
bazaar. Yes, dear.

55
00:04:00,910 --> 00:04:03,890
And Peter, pin the tail to the donkey.
All right.

56
00:04:04,490 --> 00:04:06,540
Don't get it wrong like you did last
year.

57
00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:09,170
Country craft stall.

58
00:04:09,390 --> 00:04:11,990
All right, dear. And Roger, the
skydiving.

59
00:04:17,769 --> 00:04:21,199
To open the fate, we ought to get a
television personality. Excuse me.

60
00:04:21,310 --> 00:04:25,389
Yes, what is it, Roger? Excuse me. I
don't know. Was I imagining that?

61
00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:27,990
did you say... Did you say that you...
What?

62
00:04:28,690 --> 00:04:29,740
Skydiving. Yes.

63
00:04:29,741 --> 00:04:34,129
Skydiving. Now, as I was saying, a
television personality is really needed

64
00:04:34,130 --> 00:04:35,180
open the fate.

65
00:04:35,181 --> 00:04:39,349
What's the matter, Roger? Excuse me. I
don't want to be an awful nuisance,

66
00:04:39,350 --> 00:04:44,340
but... I'd rather not do the skydiving,
if you don't mind. If you don't mind.

67
00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:48,340
No, no, we don't mind, do we, gang? We
don't want to do anything you want to.

68
00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:49,470
Yes,

69
00:04:51,180 --> 00:04:55,139
don't worry. I'll put you down for
something else. I'll put you down for

70
00:04:55,140 --> 00:04:56,190
lion taming.

71
00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:00,780
We must have a television personality.

72
00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:04,660
I'm sorry, I'd really rather not.

73
00:05:04,661 --> 00:05:07,969
do the lion taming either, if you don't
mind. Well, it's only for the one

74
00:05:07,970 --> 00:05:09,670
performance. Yes, I'm sure, yes.

75
00:05:09,671 --> 00:05:13,989
You know, I'd just be... I'd be happier
doing something else. Well, all right,

76
00:05:13,990 --> 00:05:16,629
fine. Yes, no, don't worry. I'll put you
down for something else. Yes, I'll put

77
00:05:16,630 --> 00:05:17,680
you down for, uh...

78
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:22,939
Let's see, I'll put you down for that
there. Right, now then, we must get... I

79
00:05:22,940 --> 00:05:24,979
thought we were getting Arthur Needless.

80
00:05:24,980 --> 00:05:28,660
Or if we can't get him, maybe Patrick
Moore.

81
00:05:29,380 --> 00:05:34,379
Or, okay, Angela Rippon. I'm sorry, I
don't want to do that. I don't want to

82
00:05:34,380 --> 00:05:39,640
that. I don't want to be the moving
target in the archery competition.

83
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:46,539
I don't want to be that. I don't want to
be the moving target in the archery

84
00:05:46,540 --> 00:05:47,549
competition.

85
00:05:47,550 --> 00:05:50,869
Very well, Walter, very well. I'll put
you down for the surprise item. All

86
00:05:50,870 --> 00:05:54,050
right. What surprise, that? Well, it's a
surprise, isn't it?

87
00:05:54,330 --> 00:05:57,730
I know, but I mean, what sort of
surprise? Well, it does involve a

88
00:05:57,731 --> 00:06:03,019
Wrestling with her, I shouldn't wonder.
Well, if you want to escape from the

89
00:06:03,020 --> 00:06:04,070
snake pit, yes.

90
00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:09,420
It is true, it is true what this fellow
said. You are unfriendly to newcomers.

91
00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:14,079
Us unfriendly? You're the one who's
unfriendly. Yes, you obviously don't

92
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:19,159
take part in this year's village fete. I
do want to take part in the fete, but I

93
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:21,150
want to take part in next year's as
well.

94
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:27,579
Has anyone any objection if I let Roger
look after the bingo this year? You

95
00:06:27,580 --> 00:06:31,559
can't. You always look after the bingo.
You looked after the bingo for years.

96
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:34,760
Well, maybe it's time someone else
looked after it. Eh?

97
00:06:35,060 --> 00:06:39,120
What do you think? Would you be happy
looking after the bingo? Yes, I would.

98
00:06:39,121 --> 00:06:40,419
Are you sure?

99
00:06:40,420 --> 00:06:43,070
No objections at all. I'd love to look
after the bingo.

100
00:06:44,820 --> 00:06:46,820
Right. Ladies and gentlemen.

101
00:06:47,479 --> 00:06:51,719
Roger will this year look after the
bingo, all right? Right. I think we'd

102
00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,979
actually have a practice. Lad, sort out
the bingo, would you? Come on, you'd

103
00:06:54,980 --> 00:06:57,920
better have a look. This is the bucket,
yeah?

104
00:06:57,921 --> 00:06:59,319
That's the bucket.

105
00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:02,330
And there's the rope. What's on the end
of the rope? The bingo.

106
00:07:02,540 --> 00:07:04,280
Oh, those are the caves, that's why.

107
00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:20,070
mean to us?

108
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:30,440
Or to put it another way, do you keep
something under the bed for an

109
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:37,679
Well, I want you to take it out, look at
it and ask yourself, is it being put to

110
00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:38,730
good use?

111
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:42,130
Or am I missing out and making a
horrible mess of it all?

112
00:07:44,860 --> 00:07:47,580
Now, if you are in the dark, let me put
you onto the PO.

113
00:07:48,190 --> 00:07:52,170
When it comes to savings, we at the post
office are proud of our record.

114
00:07:52,570 --> 00:07:53,620
Here it is.

115
00:07:53,750 --> 00:07:55,490
It's called I'm in the nude for love.

116
00:07:55,790 --> 00:07:59,410
And you can get it over the counter if
the postmistress is not too busy.

117
00:08:04,690 --> 00:08:08,729
On the other side, you see, is the new
passbook, so you'll know your money's

118
00:08:08,730 --> 00:08:10,410
going to go round 33 times a minute.

119
00:08:11,630 --> 00:08:16,090
Now, we're introducing schemes to suit
all types of people.

120
00:08:16,490 --> 00:08:19,560
Only last week a man came to me and said
he was a trouser fitter.

121
00:08:19,830 --> 00:08:23,320
He'd been putting a little bit to one
side every day of his working day.

122
00:08:27,110 --> 00:08:28,790
All he'd kept was the pocket money.

123
00:08:28,791 --> 00:08:33,829
He'd learnt, you see, he'd learnt the
secret of saving. You've got to be

124
00:08:33,830 --> 00:08:36,870
regular. You must never forget, like an
elephant.

125
00:08:37,549 --> 00:08:40,679
It's no good making a big deposit one
week and nothing the next.

126
00:08:43,309 --> 00:08:46,150
I mean, if an elephant did that, where
would we be?

127
00:08:47,470 --> 00:08:49,820
We'll be up to our necks in all sorts of
trouble.

128
00:08:51,550 --> 00:08:55,369
Now, to encourage young savers, we're
going to let them open an account for

129
00:08:55,370 --> 00:08:59,629
10p. And to make it go a little further,
we're going to give them a free gift of

130
00:08:59,630 --> 00:09:00,680
one of these.

131
00:09:04,070 --> 00:09:07,370
Another smashing gift on offer this week
is this piece of string.

132
00:09:07,371 --> 00:09:11,029
But this is only for people who want to
tie their money up for a long time.

133
00:09:11,030 --> 00:09:14,909
That sounds a bit of a bind. Our new
hokey -cokey savings account might

134
00:09:14,910 --> 00:09:18,389
to you. In this, you can put it in, take
it out, and shake it all about any time

135
00:09:18,390 --> 00:09:19,440
you like.

136
00:09:19,441 --> 00:09:24,469
Last week, my personal assistant, Miss
Gladbracket, found her savings book that

137
00:09:24,470 --> 00:09:25,589
had been missing for months.

138
00:09:25,590 --> 00:09:27,150
There she is, Miss Gladbracket.

139
00:09:27,151 --> 00:09:30,749
She found it under the filing cabinet.
As she stooped to pick it up, she was

140
00:09:30,750 --> 00:09:32,800
amazed at the interest that she built
up.

141
00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:40,980
more of you save with us. Now, just have
a look at this chart over here.

142
00:09:41,050 --> 00:09:44,810
We asked 100 people what they did with
their savings.

143
00:09:45,010 --> 00:09:51,130
Now, 15 % said bank, 30 % said building
society, and 55 % said P .O.

144
00:09:51,370 --> 00:09:52,420
So we did.

145
00:09:54,690 --> 00:09:56,690
But this illustrates my point, you see.

146
00:09:57,010 --> 00:09:58,870
Much longer queues at the post office.

147
00:10:00,450 --> 00:10:05,850
Now, apart from you 007 fans, I wonder
how many of you thought of holding

148
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:10,959
Now, I know a spinster whose only source
of income is from her basement flat

149
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:14,620
that she rents to a six -foot, nine
-inch, exiled African chief named

150
00:10:14,621 --> 00:10:18,279
She's got some premium bonds, and she
tells me she's always waiting for Ernie

151
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:19,960
come up and solve all her problems.

152
00:10:19,961 --> 00:10:25,459
Of course, in the event of a post office
strike, the draw is cancelled, and the

153
00:10:25,460 --> 00:10:28,839
first to know is my personal assistant.
She phones me at the office and just

154
00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:30,540
says the magic words, draws off.

155
00:10:31,051 --> 00:10:37,479
I hear you say, is a nest egg all it's
cracked up to be? And why should we

156
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:40,939
bother to shell out on savings? Well,
for those little luxuries like some beef

157
00:10:40,940 --> 00:10:41,739
for the freezer.

158
00:10:41,740 --> 00:10:43,979
You'll need a joint account for that, by
the way.

159
00:10:43,980 --> 00:10:45,940
Maybe for a new bed.

160
00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:48,160
And Miss Gladbracket is with me on this.

161
00:10:48,161 --> 00:10:50,979
We both think you should have something
to fall back on.

162
00:10:50,980 --> 00:10:56,159
And she's certainly got that. Now, you
see, we're trying to make it easier for

163
00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:59,519
you to save. As from Monday, if you
can't get to the post office, you'll be

164
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:00,840
to pay by standing order.

165
00:11:01,140 --> 00:11:03,310
I'll just show you one of those.
Attention!

166
00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:08,400
That didn't give you a start. Maybe
these new piggy banks will.

167
00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:12,679
Now, this one here, you see, that is for
one for people who live from hand to

168
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:15,120
mouth. This one here.

169
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:20,100
That one there is for teenagers, you
see. In one ear and out the other.

170
00:11:24,020 --> 00:11:25,820
That one's very popular in Scotland.

171
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:31,140
And this one here is for those people
who get behind in their payments.

172
00:11:31,141 --> 00:11:35,809
But what I've said, and remember what
your mother said about the first hateful

173
00:11:35,810 --> 00:11:39,300
you've ever had, put it away. You don't
know where it's been. Good night.

174
00:11:39,641 --> 00:11:41,089
Good

175
00:11:41,090 --> 00:11:52,830
night.

176
00:11:53,010 --> 00:11:57,470
Here, my Harry opened a bank account
yesterday for the first time. Go on.

177
00:11:57,730 --> 00:11:59,870
Hasn't he never been a bank before,
then?

178
00:12:00,110 --> 00:12:01,370
Well, not officially, no.

179
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,120
I never knew you had anything to put in
a bank.

180
00:12:05,121 --> 00:12:09,239
Oh, we ain't, but Harry says he's going
to borrow enough to get completely out

181
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:10,219
of debt.

182
00:12:10,220 --> 00:12:15,120
You'll have an overdraft. How are you
ever going to pay back all?

183
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:19,180
Harry said it's simple. Just send him a
cheque. Oh, not me.

184
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:22,010
Charlie keeps his money in a shoebox
under the bed.

185
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,190
You just don't get any interest on it if
it's there, do you?

186
00:12:25,191 --> 00:12:28,839
Oh, well, that's where Charlie's ever so
clever, you see. He's putting away a

187
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:30,640
little bit extra to take care of that.

188
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,710
Ladies and gentlemen, this week's guest,
Clodagh Rudd.

189
00:13:05,740 --> 00:13:09,800
Hey, don't you knock on my door. I won't
be home anymore.

190
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,900
You will find me out walking in the sun.

191
00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:19,580
Oh, you hide so well, it isn't easy to
tell.

192
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:24,540
I know a heartache when I see you on.

193
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:33,400
There was a time I was a true believer.

194
00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:47,120
Only a fool would believe what you say.

195
00:13:47,740 --> 00:13:51,760
Hey, don't you knock on my door. I won't
be home.

196
00:14:28,180 --> 00:14:33,680
It taught me well, a loser is the one
who cries.

197
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:41,319
Well, when you cry like a baby and you
feel like hell, you know that devil by

198
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,640
the look in his eyes.

199
00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:46,280
Hey, don't you knock on my door.

200
00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:47,760
I won't be home.

201
00:15:48,891 --> 00:15:55,559
The case of the disappearing all -girls
orchestra is nearing its climax.

202
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:59,159
The plot has thickened so much it is
almost impossible to wade through. It

203
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:02,259
be the same that Piggy and Charlie now
find themselves arriving back in England

204
00:16:02,260 --> 00:16:03,680
after a few hairy escapes.

205
00:16:04,260 --> 00:16:06,970
Charlie, in fact, is a good deal more
hairy than Piggy.

206
00:16:07,820 --> 00:16:11,010
Things look black for him, and for Piggy
they look even blacker.

207
00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:17,199
The wily Oriental and his wicked girl
Fridays have managed to smuggle his

208
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:20,460
kidnapped harem out of Madeira. But
Piggy and Charlie give chase.

209
00:16:20,940 --> 00:16:24,699
His mad Scots butler, Angus McSpreading,
is knocked unconscious by our

210
00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:26,500
overenthusiastic overweight hero.

211
00:16:30,180 --> 00:16:33,979
Charlie took his place and is even now
arriving in London with his bevy of

212
00:16:33,980 --> 00:16:35,030
beautiful booty.

213
00:16:35,180 --> 00:16:38,939
Mrs. Bumstead, stalwart leader of the
girls' orchestra, and Susie, our

214
00:16:38,940 --> 00:16:43,480
follow in a taxi to a Chinese restaurant
in a seedy Chinatown area in Dockland.

215
00:16:44,060 --> 00:16:48,240
Susie insists they keep a low profile
and Mrs. Bumstead is doing her best.

216
00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:20,050
Go down street.

217
00:17:20,270 --> 00:17:21,930
Collect my army of thugs.

218
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,369
We have slight alteration to plan.

219
00:17:24,730 --> 00:17:26,510
Hurry. Don't know, boss.

220
00:17:26,770 --> 00:17:27,970
Maybe not up yet.

221
00:17:28,270 --> 00:17:29,470
Work late, long hair.

222
00:17:29,670 --> 00:17:30,720
Many tallest.

223
00:17:31,070 --> 00:17:32,190
Bloody foreigners.

224
00:17:32,950 --> 00:17:34,870
We want ruthless killers.

225
00:17:35,290 --> 00:17:37,230
Where are my magnificent seven?

226
00:17:37,850 --> 00:17:40,510
Only six now, boss. One drop out.

227
00:17:42,810 --> 00:17:43,860
Bye.

228
00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:45,780
Mother wouldn't let him come.

229
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,040
Which one?

230
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:49,650
Low slung.

231
00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:53,160
Low slung? Him with short legs?

232
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,580
He can't run fast enough anyhow.

233
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,620
I need at least a dozen men.

234
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,200
Me get real with us.

235
00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:03,700
Them pretty heavy handed.

236
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,040
I've just seen Angus and girls in back
room.

237
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,020
Have my bandits arrived yet?

238
00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:41,430
All right, boss.

239
00:18:41,460 --> 00:18:45,060
I want you to kill him, too.

240
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:46,810
Him, too?

241
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,080
Who's him, too?

242
00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:49,620
I've never heard of him.

243
00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:55,240
Angus, I want you to kill him, too. Oh,
that's fine.

244
00:18:56,060 --> 00:18:57,110
Why?

245
00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:59,200
I'm not real Angus.

246
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:01,340
I'm not stupid detective.

247
00:19:02,190 --> 00:19:07,390
He gave himself away. I hear noises
coming from underneath his spine.

248
00:19:08,250 --> 00:19:09,300
Ah.

249
00:19:09,810 --> 00:19:12,070
Maybe he's in criticals.

250
00:19:12,910 --> 00:19:15,190
I'm staying to use his tummy.

251
00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:35,960
a bit of fun with that?

252
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,840
Good Lord, good gracious do.

253
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,040
What's who, what now, and how are you?

254
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,600
Not a very good rhyme, Charlie.

255
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:50,000
But you know, it was me.

256
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:51,780
It's the way you kill time.

257
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:53,330
Don't start.

258
00:19:53,331 --> 00:19:57,279
This is reporting the SS Uganda which
leaves Southampton this afternoon bound

259
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:58,239
for Hong Kong.

260
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,780
Now get to Southampton as quickly as
possible and take Mrs. Bumpstead.

261
00:20:02,020 --> 00:20:03,840
Where's Piggy? Isn't he with you?

262
00:20:03,841 --> 00:20:07,699
Well, I lost track of him. I mean, for
all I know, he might be lying in the

263
00:20:07,700 --> 00:20:08,559
gutter somewhere.

264
00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:09,900
Dead? Or drunk.

265
00:20:11,420 --> 00:20:13,620
Surely someone may have spotted him.

266
00:20:13,621 --> 00:20:17,259
Not necessarily. I mean, in that outfit,
he looks like a black plastic bag full

267
00:20:17,260 --> 00:20:18,310
of garbage.

268
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:20,570
Coming!

269
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:25,280
What? Twenty quid? Why, that's a mint.

270
00:20:25,500 --> 00:20:27,740
You sweep it cool and tickle it's mint.

271
00:21:20,531 --> 00:21:22,519
Scottish idiot.

272
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:23,580
Why are you not here?

273
00:21:24,340 --> 00:21:25,390
Listen.

274
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:29,400
Fly at once to Gatwick, gateway to the
south.

275
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,660
Take you about three hours.

276
00:21:32,340 --> 00:21:34,740
Drive straight to Southampton docks. No!

277
00:21:36,260 --> 00:21:37,960
Detectives not go to docks.

278
00:21:38,860 --> 00:21:42,560
Detectives go to their death on
motorcoats.

279
00:21:43,100 --> 00:21:49,619
My hired assassins, take them to Sepali
Tower, kill them, and feed them to the

280
00:21:49,620 --> 00:21:50,670
lions.

281
00:21:53,310 --> 00:21:54,910
Belly diabolical.

282
00:21:55,450 --> 00:21:58,410
And 100 % final.

283
00:21:58,670 --> 00:22:05,109
The Proverbs say, when the lion sit down
to dinner with a lamb, only one

284
00:22:05,110 --> 00:22:08,490
enjoy the taste of mintsauce.

285
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,540
Would you come? Would you come? Dear,

286
00:23:03,351 --> 00:23:05,059
dear, dear.

287
00:23:05,060 --> 00:23:06,200
Will you try it?

288
00:23:29,060 --> 00:23:33,680
Now, ladies, if you're not too weak,
we'll play a game of hide and seek.

289
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:35,400
I take a girl and then depart.

290
00:23:35,780 --> 00:23:38,120
You count a hundred and then you start.

291
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:41,900
Now, did I have you in mind? I need
someone big to hide behind.

292
00:23:59,421 --> 00:24:00,949
What will

293
00:24:00,950 --> 00:24:09,249
happen

294
00:24:09,250 --> 00:24:13,569
now? Will our ill -thought -out couple
dodge the yellow peril? Or will the

295
00:24:13,570 --> 00:24:14,309
get them?

296
00:24:14,310 --> 00:24:18,369
Will they turn out to be the men you
think they are? Or will they merely turn

297
00:24:18,370 --> 00:24:19,420
out to be the men you?

298
00:24:20,110 --> 00:24:24,750
Don't miss the final captivating episode
of Band of Slaves.

299
00:24:53,550 --> 00:24:54,600
going to cars again.

300
00:24:55,910 --> 00:24:58,440
You can't even seem to read the graffiti
out there.

301
00:24:59,870 --> 00:25:02,160
Like there's the Ace of Spades out
there, Sid.

302
00:25:02,390 --> 00:25:05,100
It's like playing Russian roulette in a
power cut now.

303
00:25:06,030 --> 00:25:08,350
How are you? All right? Not so bad, not
so bad.

304
00:25:08,550 --> 00:25:10,130
I got you a pint. Oh, cheers.

305
00:25:10,350 --> 00:25:13,600
I guess you was here. I could tell by
all the crisps round the floor.

306
00:25:14,790 --> 00:25:20,429
How's things today? Well, not so bad. My
old Watson has been playing me up a

307
00:25:20,430 --> 00:25:22,150
bit. Oh, have they? Oh, dear.

308
00:25:22,151 --> 00:25:25,499
Have you ever thought of putting hot
bread polkas on them?

309
00:25:25,500 --> 00:25:26,760
No. Oh, don't.

310
00:25:26,761 --> 00:25:33,539
I think not. I shouldn't think that'd be
much help for the feet, really, polkas

311
00:25:33,540 --> 00:25:35,950
like that. No, no. No, no, no, I
shouldn't think so.

312
00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:39,359
I'd thought going up to the doctors with
them, as a matter of fact. You don't

313
00:25:39,360 --> 00:25:41,839
want to go up to the doctors. What do
you want to go up to the doctors with

314
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:44,610
for? They don't give you a lot of pills,
what do you, eh?

315
00:25:44,611 --> 00:25:48,369
I mean, if your electric gas stove goes
on the blink, you don't send for the

316
00:25:48,370 --> 00:25:49,420
water board, do you?

317
00:25:49,730 --> 00:25:52,970
Ah, you want to call in the advice of an
expert, don't you? Or me.

318
00:25:54,630 --> 00:25:58,449
Well, that's exactly what I did do,
didn't I? What? Didn't I? Consult an

319
00:25:58,450 --> 00:25:59,489
by my feet.

320
00:25:59,490 --> 00:26:03,220
What, a chiropodist? No, a fellow who
runs a shoe repair shop in the corner.

321
00:26:04,210 --> 00:26:08,109
He's only going to mess you about, isn't
he? He was the bloke who made you get a

322
00:26:08,110 --> 00:26:10,460
dog licence for your arse puppies,
wasn't he?

323
00:26:15,530 --> 00:26:18,300
He knows what he's on about. All right,
of course he does.

324
00:26:18,710 --> 00:26:22,449
He gave me a what's -her -name, a what's
-her -name of examination and

325
00:26:22,450 --> 00:26:24,870
prescribed a packet of odoritas.

326
00:26:24,871 --> 00:26:27,449
Oh, yeah, I've heard about that, but
they ain't good.

327
00:26:27,450 --> 00:26:28,710
Marvellous, marvellous.

328
00:26:28,930 --> 00:26:30,670
Ain't half hard to swallow, though.

329
00:26:30,671 --> 00:26:35,549
Well, you see, that's the trouble with
Britain today, isn't it? I'll be pill

330
00:26:35,550 --> 00:26:37,689
-mad. Everyone's pill -mad, aren't they,
eh?

331
00:26:37,690 --> 00:26:41,589
I mean, take last year when I was in
hospital having that British Rail donut

332
00:26:41,590 --> 00:26:42,640
removed.

333
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,510
They stuffed me full of antibiotics
then, didn't they?

334
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:53,339
I had so many pills, I sneezed one
morning, the bloke in the next bed got

335
00:26:53,340 --> 00:26:54,390
better.

336
00:26:55,460 --> 00:26:56,840
You see, that's the trouble.

337
00:26:56,841 --> 00:26:59,959
Whatever's wrong with you, all they do,
they fall back on a bottle of pills. I

338
00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:03,210
did that once in all, you know. What?
Fell back on a bottle of pills.

339
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:06,120
You know, didn't half hurt.

340
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:08,860
Funny thing was, nor do a painkiller.

341
00:27:08,861 --> 00:27:15,189
I didn't quite mean that, see, you see,
I was speaking more meteorologically,

342
00:27:15,190 --> 00:27:16,240
you know what I mean?

343
00:27:16,270 --> 00:27:20,149
You see, I don't believe in all these
newfangled drugs and medicines and all

344
00:27:20,150 --> 00:27:23,040
that. Matter of fact, I bought a book a
couple of weeks back.

345
00:27:23,041 --> 00:27:26,749
You bought a book? Yeah, well, I got it
cheap. It fell off the back of a mobile

346
00:27:26,750 --> 00:27:27,800
library, you know.

347
00:27:28,670 --> 00:27:33,749
But the book was called Ancient Cures
and Remedies of the Druids. That's what

348
00:27:33,750 --> 00:27:36,969
was called, yeah. All full of old
recipes and what have you, you know. Ah,

349
00:27:36,970 --> 00:27:37,799
yeah, yeah.

350
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:41,860
Funny enough, I had an uncle once, you
know, used to cover himself with lard.

351
00:27:42,100 --> 00:27:44,870
Ah, what was he, a channel swimmer? No,
a bus conductor.

352
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:50,599
Used to cover himself with the lard, and
to prevent the cold, mainly, I suppose.

353
00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:53,839
That was the actual psychology of it.
Anyway, but a funny thing happened once

354
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:55,819
Russia. I was at the top of the bus, he
was.

355
00:27:55,820 --> 00:28:00,859
And what were the people squeezing to
get on, and him covered in lard,

356
00:28:00,860 --> 00:28:03,750
up being shot straight through the back
window, you know.

357
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:06,650
Finished up in the middle of a Lambeth
High Road.

358
00:28:06,651 --> 00:28:11,749
up with two broken arms, lard poisoning
and the sack for slipping off without

359
00:28:11,750 --> 00:28:12,800
permission.

360
00:28:13,630 --> 00:28:17,870
Here. You know my little problem?

361
00:28:19,090 --> 00:28:20,140
What's that?

362
00:28:20,630 --> 00:28:22,790
The one you don't mention, you mean?

363
00:28:23,230 --> 00:28:24,890
No, the one I do mention.

364
00:28:25,730 --> 00:28:29,280
If it was the one I didn't mention, I
wouldn't even mention it, would I?

365
00:28:29,281 --> 00:28:34,719
Fair enough. Anyway, I took it down to
surgery, you see. I saw the new doctor

366
00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:38,779
down there, old Ranjit Singh, you know.
And I said, I didn't believe in all

367
00:28:38,780 --> 00:28:42,579
these newfangled medicines. So he found
me a very good old -fashioned cure, you

368
00:28:42,580 --> 00:28:46,099
know. Yeah, well, he said, I've got to
go down to Common, when there's a full

369
00:28:46,100 --> 00:28:50,439
moon, right, take off all me clothes and
run three times round the tennis courts

370
00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:52,420
waving some runes above me head.

371
00:28:53,300 --> 00:28:55,940
I thought you'd already tried runes as a
cure.

372
00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:57,340
No, no, that was prunes.

373
00:29:00,460 --> 00:29:04,119
His ancient documents were mystical
powers, you see. But you see, if you

374
00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:07,190
get hold of any of them, the old grey
-armed expressor do, see.

375
00:29:07,620 --> 00:29:11,439
Of course, my granddaddy was the one. He
used to make his own potions up, you

376
00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:15,859
know. He once had a tummy upset, and he
made up this potion, which was a pint of

377
00:29:15,860 --> 00:29:21,380
oil of turpentine, five ounces of Epsom
salts, a teaspoonful of pigeon's milk,

378
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:22,530
and a beetroot.

379
00:29:22,531 --> 00:29:24,339
And it worked?

380
00:29:24,340 --> 00:29:27,399
Well, it must have done. There was no
mention of tummy upset on the coroner's

381
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:28,450
report at all.

382
00:29:28,451 --> 00:29:35,339
You always said that they discovered
that for the last 15 years he'd been

383
00:29:35,340 --> 00:29:36,900
wearing his truss upside down.

384
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:39,650
Oh, yeah, well, that was neither here
nor there.

385
00:29:39,651 --> 00:29:44,919
Here, I tell you what, you come in with
me, then I'm going down to the tennis

386
00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:45,559
courts now.

387
00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:48,759
What, is there a full moon there? Yeah,
got me ground expressing.

388
00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:49,779
Oh, I'm going to try that.

389
00:29:49,780 --> 00:29:50,419
Oh, lovely.

390
00:29:50,420 --> 00:29:53,939
Listen, do you mind if I drop off at the
chemist, get a film for me camera?

391
00:29:53,940 --> 00:29:55,819
Not for you. There won't be much to
photograph.

392
00:29:55,820 --> 00:29:58,050
Well, you never know, he might have
cured it.

393
00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:13,619
Thank you. Thank you very much. Here is
a rather amusing story, which, to be

394
00:30:13,620 --> 00:30:17,560
honest, I used to tell in my very early
days as a comedian.

395
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:21,939
I mean, it's funny, actually, but I can
still remember the first time I ever got

396
00:30:21,940 --> 00:30:22,990
a laugh.

397
00:30:23,420 --> 00:30:25,220
I wish I could remember the last time.

398
00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:31,100
I happened to be reminded of this
particular joke last weekend.

399
00:30:31,300 --> 00:30:34,400
I told you, what happened was, I was
sitting in the kitchen.

400
00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:36,780
de -coking the toaster.

401
00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:44,240
Let's face it, my wife is not the
world's greatest cook, to be honest.

402
00:30:44,500 --> 00:30:47,420
She still has to look up the ingredients
for a boiled egg.

403
00:30:49,380 --> 00:30:54,760
Last weekend, she made a cottage pie and
the local council had it condemned.

404
00:30:56,640 --> 00:31:02,360
On this particular morning, we were both
feeling rather bored and listless.

405
00:31:02,810 --> 00:31:06,769
Time was going so slowly, you know,
really dragging. At one point, the

406
00:31:06,770 --> 00:31:08,210
threw itself out of the clock.

407
00:31:11,210 --> 00:31:17,649
I received a phone call from an old
friend of mine. Now, he was actually a

408
00:31:17,650 --> 00:31:22,630
old wartime comic, this chap. He was now
a very successful theatrical producer.

409
00:31:22,631 --> 00:31:26,309
My goodness, he's certainly come a long
way since the days he used to warm up

410
00:31:26,310 --> 00:31:27,630
for the Nuremberg rallies.

411
00:31:29,430 --> 00:31:34,010
He had run up. all excited, laughing
away, you know.

412
00:31:34,011 --> 00:31:35,469
Well, she was here tonight.

413
00:31:35,470 --> 00:31:42,250
Anyway, he rang up to tell me about a
big new London show he was putting on.

414
00:31:42,370 --> 00:31:47,209
He said, this will be a smash hit
musical, he said, clearing his throat

415
00:31:47,210 --> 00:31:50,429
that. He said, this will be a smash hit
musical, he said. He said, guess what?

416
00:31:50,430 --> 00:31:52,609
He said, we've got Streisand playing the
lead.

417
00:31:52,610 --> 00:31:53,810
I said, that's terrific.

418
00:31:54,820 --> 00:31:57,590
Barbra Streisand. He said, no, no, no,
Mabel Streisand.

419
00:31:57,591 --> 00:32:01,919
He said, she's not very well known, but
given time, he said, I think she'll

420
00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:06,699
become really big. And he said, in any
case, he said, with music by Wright and

421
00:32:06,700 --> 00:32:10,670
Lloyd Webber, we'll be on to a surefire
winner. I said, well, that's marvellous.

422
00:32:10,671 --> 00:32:13,759
Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber, I
mean, they are the tops. No, no, he

423
00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:15,100
no, this is Bert Rice.

424
00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:17,890
Bertie Lloyd Webber.

425
00:32:17,891 --> 00:32:22,079
He said, nobody in the country's heard
of them yet, but just you wait.

426
00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:26,359
And he said, and listen to this, he
said, the star comedian is a chap named

427
00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:27,410
Manning.

428
00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:30,610
I said, not Bernard Manning. He said,
yes, that's him.

429
00:32:33,180 --> 00:32:38,500
As he was... Well, he said nasty things
about me.

430
00:32:41,130 --> 00:32:45,709
As he was offering free tickets to the
premiere, my wife and I decided to go

431
00:32:45,710 --> 00:32:48,669
along, because I'll be honest, we don't
really go out a lot these days. If I

432
00:32:48,670 --> 00:32:51,849
remember rightly, the last time I took
my wife out, it was to the local civic

433
00:32:51,850 --> 00:32:54,870
hall to see Big Daddy in giant
haystacks.

434
00:32:55,670 --> 00:32:59,290
No, that was the famous night when both
men's tights split open.

435
00:33:00,690 --> 00:33:03,400
And we were treated to a display of all
-out wrestling.

436
00:33:05,250 --> 00:33:10,949
Now, that was the last time we went out.
I did actually offer to take her to see

437
00:33:10,950 --> 00:33:16,169
the 1981 Labour Party conference, but
unfortunately she can't stand blood

438
00:33:16,170 --> 00:33:21,969
sports, so... So anyway, there I am at
this glittering gala, rubbing shoulders

439
00:33:21,970 --> 00:33:25,229
with the beautiful actresses. Well, not
exactly, in my case, rubbing shoulders,

440
00:33:25,230 --> 00:33:27,510
but having a good time generally.

441
00:33:30,270 --> 00:33:34,750
Nodding about all over the place. And
this place, of course, it was...

442
00:33:35,050 --> 00:33:37,030
packed with glittering personalities.

443
00:33:37,070 --> 00:33:41,040
I remember I had quite a long chat with
Liberace, who was actually quite a card,

444
00:33:41,250 --> 00:33:42,590
Queen of Diamonds.

445
00:33:44,550 --> 00:33:50,689
But I digress, because it was at this
big premiere that someone reminded me of

446
00:33:50,690 --> 00:33:51,740
this joke.

447
00:33:51,770 --> 00:33:56,289
Now, it all takes place at the end of
the last century in one of the last

448
00:33:56,290 --> 00:33:59,430
outposts of the British Empire, Ealing
Broadway.

449
00:34:02,100 --> 00:34:06,859
Picture, if you will, a small garrison
of British soldiers in the baking hot

450
00:34:06,860 --> 00:34:12,579
South African province of Natal, where
one day a new army chaplain arrives, and

451
00:34:12,580 --> 00:34:16,158
straightaway goes along to see the
colonel, who's in charge of the unit.

452
00:34:16,159 --> 00:34:18,859
So he goes along, he opens the door, he
says, he said, good morning, he said,

453
00:34:18,860 --> 00:34:20,739
I'm the new army chaplain.

454
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:22,660
It's a bit wet, this man.

455
00:34:22,900 --> 00:34:26,979
His dog collar's got a little bell on
it. It says, my name is the White

456
00:34:26,980 --> 00:34:29,460
Weatherland Wadney Wenfew Wobbles.

457
00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:32,130
Wom -wobble -bum.

458
00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:35,310
And the colonel says, welcome to the
wedgment.

459
00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:36,450
No, the regiment.

460
00:34:36,451 --> 00:34:40,119
He said, I'm sure you're going to have a
cracking time here. He said, the

461
00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:41,599
colonel, absolutely cracking.

462
00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:45,178
We have an excellent social life, he
said. Every Wednesday, all the lads get

463
00:34:45,179 --> 00:34:49,159
together on the met, drink until they're
sick of pigs, and then all fall over.

464
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:52,419
He said, you'll love every minute of it.
And the chaplain said, well, he said,

465
00:34:52,420 --> 00:34:57,199
as a matter of fact, sir, he said, I'm
rather afraid I don't actually approve

466
00:34:57,200 --> 00:34:58,250
the winking.

467
00:34:58,251 --> 00:35:01,929
The colonel said, oh, well, you'll like
Thursdays then. That is the night we run

468
00:35:01,930 --> 00:35:02,980
our poker school.

469
00:35:02,981 --> 00:35:05,409
Unlimited stakes, you could win a
fortune.

470
00:35:05,410 --> 00:35:09,489
I said, I'm afraid, said the chaplain.
I'm afraid I don't go in for gambling

471
00:35:09,490 --> 00:35:13,100
either, he said. He said, well, Friday,
said the colonel, you will enjoy.

472
00:35:13,310 --> 00:35:17,710
Every Friday, a bunch of the local
native girls come over. You'll love

473
00:35:17,711 --> 00:35:20,929
Ravishing women all night long. The
chaplain said, look, he said, I'm

474
00:35:20,930 --> 00:35:21,949
sorry, he said.

475
00:35:21,950 --> 00:35:25,569
As a matter of fact, he said, I don't
actually do that sort of thing either

476
00:35:25,570 --> 00:35:27,310
the ladies. The colonel said, my God.

477
00:35:27,311 --> 00:35:30,159
You don't mean to tell me you're a... I
mean, you're not anything, you know,

478
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:36,180
funny about... I mean, you're not... I
mean, there's nothing... The chap said,

479
00:35:36,181 --> 00:35:39,359
certainly not. He said, oh, said the
colonel, well, you won't enjoy Saturday

480
00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:40,410
nights either, then.

481
00:35:52,940 --> 00:35:58,920
In a garden, in a garden, when you're
diggin' dusk and dawn, and you're rakin'

482
00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:02,740
with the rakin' till you're flakin' on
the lawn.

483
00:36:03,240 --> 00:36:07,600
Up a -classes, what they're grasses,
like a bloomin' billiard ball.

484
00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:12,620
So we bow them, but it's blow them, say
the garden's a -peppin' them all.

485
00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:21,220
In a garden, in a garden, with a dibble,
spade and hoe.

486
00:36:21,900 --> 00:36:26,160
Growing entries for the gentries at the
local flower show.

487
00:36:26,620 --> 00:36:31,120
Put the judges, no smudges, on the
carrots on her stall.

488
00:36:31,660 --> 00:36:36,080
It were rabbits with bad habits, no
medals for everything at all.

489
00:36:36,780 --> 00:36:41,420
Every stately home has got some lovely
things to do.

490
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:44,440
Beaulieu's got a car or two.

491
00:36:44,700 --> 00:36:46,860
Woburn has got a stately zoo.

492
00:36:47,240 --> 00:36:51,300
Everything at all has got damn all the
visitors to get chuffed.

493
00:36:51,840 --> 00:36:56,240
There's only a moggy, two ducks and a
doggy. And one of the ducks is stuffed.

494
00:36:57,660 --> 00:37:01,400
In a garden, when the trippers pay a
call.

495
00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:06,420
We look on board, never mumble. But it's
plain that we're effing them all.

496
00:37:09,571 --> 00:37:11,179
In

497
00:37:11,180 --> 00:37:17,939
his

498
00:37:17,940 --> 00:37:20,800
grace, I declare this ascent.

499
00:37:21,290 --> 00:37:22,340
in the air?

500
00:37:22,450 --> 00:37:28,350
Is it roses red or violets blue? Is
grace inhaled an odor or two? Is it

501
00:37:28,690 --> 00:37:29,740
Is it fruit?

502
00:37:29,950 --> 00:37:31,000
Is it balm?

503
00:37:31,330 --> 00:37:32,380
Is it brute?

504
00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:37,340
But he knew damn well that it wasn't
Chanel when he fell in the compost heap.

505
00:38:12,419 --> 00:38:18,720
They went to a bowl wearing lupins and
lilies round here,

506
00:38:18,980 --> 00:38:25,120
and won the award as the loneliest night
of the year.

507
00:38:29,160 --> 00:38:31,660
Fertilizer, a word apart.

508
00:38:32,330 --> 00:38:38,549
Every tongue sounds much nicer than the
stuff that is usually

509
00:38:38,550 --> 00:38:42,570
slung. The word that we use is shorter.

510
00:38:42,830 --> 00:38:45,770
We know we didn't order.

511
00:38:46,250 --> 00:38:52,110
You've got to admit when you trot on a
bit that it's easier said than done.

512
00:38:57,530 --> 00:39:00,990
Her ladyship bought a sapling.

513
00:39:01,740 --> 00:39:03,880
She wanted to grow some logs.

514
00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:07,420
She watered it every evening.

515
00:39:08,140 --> 00:39:10,280
So did the neighbor's dog.

516
00:39:10,700 --> 00:39:14,040
She tended it all her lifetime.

517
00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:16,620
And 70 feet it spread.

518
00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:22,979
But now she's not here to enjoy it.
Because that damn thing fell down on her

519
00:39:22,980 --> 00:39:24,030
head.

520
00:39:35,020 --> 00:39:40,699
It just pours from the sky Then the
month that it buckets We call flaming

521
00:39:40,700 --> 00:39:47,699
And it's followed by sudden July In
August it's wet In September we get

522
00:39:47,700 --> 00:39:54,659
influenza And so we'd sit On a ration of
rum When October bombs come

523
00:39:54,660 --> 00:39:58,779
But November's the month we get missed
Down

524
00:39:58,780 --> 00:40:05,449
there by the lake There's a

525
00:40:05,450 --> 00:40:07,550
statue of Cupid in bronze.

526
00:40:08,830 --> 00:40:14,250
He's covered in ferns. And you can't see
his quiver for bronze.

527
00:40:15,710 --> 00:40:21,190
He's beautifully built. But his head is
still giving a lurch.

528
00:40:22,110 --> 00:40:24,250
Now he's gonna tilt.

529
00:40:24,570 --> 00:40:27,610
And the sparrows have got a new bird.

530
00:40:31,890 --> 00:40:32,940
Oh, God.

531
00:40:45,980 --> 00:40:50,280
And a squirt!

532
00:40:52,110 --> 00:40:55,450
But his lordship got tied on some
gooseberry wine of her grace's.

533
00:40:55,670 --> 00:40:59,890
And legless and rubbery, left in the
shrubbery, casting off caution of

534
00:41:00,250 --> 00:41:04,130
Her grace had a faint hysteria,
observing the ducal posterior.

535
00:41:04,890 --> 00:41:08,790
Well, only a bunch of wisteria,
concealing the family crest.

536
00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:15,139
Red as uranium, picked up a pot which he
cracked on his cranium, corrugated it

537
00:41:15,140 --> 00:41:18,240
with a rough bit of uranium, even
reached all over his head.

538
00:41:18,660 --> 00:41:22,639
The maker of the ghost took a whack at
the duker, old man, who was filthy with

539
00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:26,339
compost, and Luca remarked, it's not
cricket, she said, no, it's snooker, and

540
00:41:26,340 --> 00:41:27,780
potted him in all the red.

541
00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:34,219
He was used to Ghana, the tropical peach
and banana, they plant him with cheap

542
00:41:34,220 --> 00:41:35,270
marijuana,

543
00:41:35,340 --> 00:41:37,640
but he's going to pot up the old man.

544
00:41:48,500 --> 00:41:51,300
Thank you.

545
00:42:01,511 --> 00:42:09,039
Well, that seems to be just about all we
have time for, doesn't it, Ronnie? Yes,

546
00:42:09,040 --> 00:42:13,239
indeed it does. But before we go, a few
late items of news. In the Celtic versus

547
00:42:13,240 --> 00:42:17,099
Rangers match tonight, fighting amongst
the crowd was interrupted when football

548
00:42:17,100 --> 00:42:18,180
broke out on the pitch.

549
00:42:22,860 --> 00:42:24,880
Harmonica virtuoso, Larry Adler.

550
00:42:25,260 --> 00:42:29,379
had a bizarre experience tonight at a
concert sponsored by the Brotherhood of

551
00:42:29,380 --> 00:42:30,920
Faith Cure Practitioners.

552
00:42:31,340 --> 00:42:34,650
Halfway through, the holes in his mouth
organ suddenly healed up.

553
00:42:37,980 --> 00:42:41,859
Auburn Clamp, the bi -fleet man who
spends six months of the year as a

554
00:42:41,860 --> 00:42:45,759
pianist and the other six as a washer
-up at the Savoy, tonight combined his

555
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:49,499
careers to wonderful effect with a
delightful rendition of Handel's Dirty

556
00:42:49,500 --> 00:42:50,550
Music.

557
00:42:51,500 --> 00:42:56,739
There was an embarrassing incident today
at a Hollywood topless barbecue wedding

558
00:42:56,740 --> 00:43:01,239
reception when Raquel Welsh got too near
the charcoal and toasted the happy

559
00:43:01,240 --> 00:43:02,290
couple.

560
00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:10,319
Finally, Linda Gouge and Denzel Wallop,
the Prestwich couple who make mad

561
00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:14,139
passionate love every time they eat
semolina, blancmange or suet pudding,

562
00:43:14,140 --> 00:43:16,740
married today. They plan to live happily
ever after.

563
00:43:21,360 --> 00:43:25,919
Next week, we'll be having a special
musical show in which we'll be talking

564
00:43:25,920 --> 00:43:30,379
the lady opera fan who's keen on
baritones, mad on basses, and will do

565
00:43:30,380 --> 00:43:31,430
for a tenor.

566
00:43:31,431 --> 00:43:36,359
And I will be meeting the woman who
claims to have slept with every member

567
00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:39,610
the Halley Orchestra and admits to being
a bit of a symphomaniac.

568
00:43:39,611 --> 00:43:43,619
Until then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

569
00:43:43,620 --> 00:43:44,669
Goodnight.

570
00:43:44,670 --> 00:43:49,220
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0